Saturday, January 01, 2005

3. Conclusions? Just As We Feared...

8:30 PM
Here now are the fascinating conclusions of our data, processed:

■ 67% OF THE RESPONDENTS ARE WRITERS
MadMax Statistical Analysis Reveals:
THE REAL CRISIS IN PUBLISHING IS THAT WRITERS
  • have too much time on their hands;
  • aren't working hard enough;
  • need to find some new hobbies;
  • all of the above.

So, dear authors: next time it takes you six months to come up with that sure-fire, break-through opening paragraph, remember that there are those out there--Stephen King, Nora Roberts, James Patterson Incorporated, Bernard Cornwell, to name but a few--who write two, sometimes three books a year. You can be damned sure they're not wasting time cruising the blogosphere...

■ JUST 22% OF THE RESPONDENTS WORK IN THE INDUSTRY
MadMax Statistical Analysis Reveals:
THE REAL CRISIS IN PUBLISHING IS THAT "INSIDERS"

  • Are a secretive and distrustful lot, inexplicably protective of the keys to their success
  • Are too busy packing for the Hamptons to respond to surveys from crank blogsters
  • Get too much junk email from porn-sites and crank blogsters
  • Love Bob Marley's song "Down-presser Man" precisely because they see themselves in the title role, and envision keeping their boot-heels planted firmly on the necks of writers till the end of time, or the end of publishing, whichever comes first
  • Know "expert" information when they see it (or, in this case, when they don't)
  • All of the above

■ 7% OF THE RESPONDENTS DESCRIBE THEMSELVES AS "OTHER" MadMax Statistical Analysis Reveals:
THIS NUMBER, SINCE IT MATCHES THE "REAL" LEVEL OF NATIONAL UNEMPLOYMENT, IS STATISTICALLY INSIGNIFICANT. WE KNOW HOW YOU SLACKERS ARE SPENDING YOUR TIME, AND IT AIN'T PRETTY.

■ 3% OF THE RESPONDENTS ARE BOOKSELLERS
MadMax Statistical Analysis Reveals:
JUST THREE PERCENT?! DIDN'T YOU READ "A LOVE-LETTER TO BOOKSELLERS"?!


A VOCATION OF UNHAPPINESS [Courtesy Georges Simenon (1903-1985)]

"Writing is considered a profession, and I don't think it is a profession. I think that everyone who does not need to be a writer, who thinks he can do something else, ought to do something else. Writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness. I don't think an artist can ever be happy."

PRACTICAL MARKETING [Courtesy Zornhau, 2005]

"They should put the 1st couple of pages up in subway adverts. Having read them several times, you'd feel compelled to try the book - if it was any good."

PLATE OF SHRIMP [Courtesy Alex Cox’s REPO MAN, circa 1984]

"A lot of people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch of unconnected incidences and things. They don't realize that there's this like lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything. I'll give you an example, show you what I mean. Suppose you're thinking about a plate of shrimp. Suddenly somebody will say like "plate" or "shrimp" or "plate of shrimp" out of the blue, no explanation. No point in looking for one either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness."