Letters of Protest
12:20 AM
From the Self-Help Authors' Tandem:
As members of "the caring profession," we have had enough of the constant defamation of our collective character by the media, starting with the charge that our raison d'etre is making "Infomercials" and hawking "product"! Indeed, we feel that our membership has proved, time and again, that we're no less deserving of being painted with the brush of the "delicate flower" than are the so-called "literary" types of the sort that your contributor (who identifies herself as "Laura") seems to represent. "Laura's" insinuation that we are somehow coarse self-promoters, or that we went to college "to learn how to become marketing gurus," is patently false, and represents a cruel bias against our membership. In fact, our affinity for the frailty of the human condition (which is what makes us self-help authorities in the first place) requires that we be able to tap into our own sensitivity/vulnerability all day long. By contrast, you literary types are only "exposed" for only as long as you're at your computers--which, rumor has it, is often just an hour or two a day. How hard can that be?
P.S. The "beasties" remark seems especially uncalled for.
From the Trade Organization Of Break-Able Devices:
To the writer who complained about wearing out 4 computer keyboards per year: in para. 5 (A) of your warranty, you'll see that neither anger management nor snow removal are listed as acceptable, reimbursable applications for our word processing products.
From the Publishers Legal Office--Printing:
Frankly we are shocked--SHOCKED!--at the insinuation by one of your contributors that we would EVER expect an author to "kick in for printing and binding." However, this might be a good time to ask: were you thinking you might want a cover for that book?
7 comments:
I write approximately 8-12 hours a day, 350 days a year, at about 75 WPM. Editing days are naturally slower, but believe me- you can kill four keyboards a year through normal wear-and-tear. On the upside, since I've learned all the keyboard commands my mouse is in absolutely pristine working order.
Too funny! :) "Heretofore unknown" should also include: the Unprovoked Authors of America, the Crafty Crafters of Creativity, and the Blushing Bloggers Association (Unite!).
I love this blog!
Dear Anonymous--or AnonyMouse, shall I say?
Is your name Bill? Did I once date you? The 12 hours, the obsessive rendering of numbers (75 wpm, etc.), the sheer relentlessness of it all sound a familiar note. If so, I shall gently--in the manner advocated by the best self-help manuals--point out that although your mouse was even then in the pink of working order, the rest of you needed to get out in the fresh air once in a while. All work and no play, my dear--the gurus say--well, they have a point, don't they? As do you.
Perhaps in affectionate memory
(unless I am merely having a moment of deja vu,
a mere stroke to the brain--also possible),
Isabelle Weary
Alas, I'm not your fondly remembered Bill- at least, I wasn't equipped to be a Bill this morning, but I'll check my pants later after the kids are in bed, just in case my bits have turned inside out and rendered me masculine in the last few hours. I promise, I get out plenty- eight hours is a regular workday; it only stretches to 12 when I have 2 scripts due and I'm in the last 10,000 pages of a new novel.
Oh, you're Joyce Carol Oates, then....
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This blog is a lot a fun to read, keep up the good work
Elisia
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